On a wedding, the bride and the bridegroom pledge to each other "to hold your hand, and with you I grow old" in the presence of families and friends. However, we have found in our counselling cases that an undesirable "Triangular Relationship" often emerged in the "Two Persons' Walk" of many couples, turning their pledges into illusion. The Welfare Services Group of the Personnel Services and Staff Relations Branch has invited Mrs Angela Chiu of the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council to shed some light on how to strengthen the relationship of a couple. (The telephone number of the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council is 2810-1104)

Two Persons' Walk

Among the cases of marriage we have handled, many were the result of an undesirable triangular relationship, such as extra-marital affairs, indulgence in certain hobbies (e.g. gambling, drinking, and online chat), wives on bad terms with husbands' mothers while husbands could hardly get along well with wives' mothers, and conflicts in raising their children. This triangular relationship mostly originated from a couple's negative emotions and thinking. Either party or both parties will seek ways to solve their problems, but when solutions do not work, the couple will become more estranged. In time, the gap between them will widen and different third parties will emerge between them.

According to some scholars (see note) and observation of real cases, the factor leading to a couple drifting apart is the capability of a couple to handle impaired feelings, dissolve conflicts, handle stress and crisis, handle their own sores and expectations and so on. To prevent a "Two Persons' Walk" from turning into an undesirable triangular relationship, there is no harm assessing whether we should acquire the above-mentioned capabilities at the very beginning, and then find out ways to strengthen relationship.

(1) Handling impaired feelings:

Everyone has weaknesses. Since we are born with the instinct to protect ourselves, we tend to use different ways to cover up our own weaknesses, such as denial, trying hard to outshine others and making comparison, etc. In the end, it will be like two porcupines failing to co-exist.

The ways to improve are:

* Accept our own weaknesses and the other party with sincerity. It is only when the weaknesses of two persons meet that they can stick together in times of trouble and have a feeling of intimacy.

* Accept that the other party may also be weak sometimes.

* A couple should listen to and explore each other's difficulties and feelings.

(2) Dissolving conflicts:

The ways to improve are:

* Believe in a "win-win" situation because traditional ways such as the extreme concepts of "win or lose" and "black or white" cannot be applied to handling conflicts of a marriage. When one party wins an argument, it will be at the expense of relationship.

* Accept that each other is entitled to different views.

* Whenever there is a divergence of views, there is no harm understanding the needs of each other first, and then finding out the common concerns.

* Be broad-minded and do not see your own ways as infallible.

(3) Handling stress and crisis:

The ways to improve are:

* Each party should be self-reviewing, bear responsibilities and find solutions.

* Everyone should have channels to relieve pressure and be the master of emotions.

* Learn not to cast our own feelings on others.

* Learn to share feelings and clarify doubts with each other.

(4) Handling sores and expectations:

The ways to improve are:

* Everyone should dissolve his or her own sores but not rely on others to do so.

* Acceptance and caring are the very first steps to relieve a psychological burden.

* Stay with reality.

* Seek a chance to serve and get the experience of caring others so as to feel the happiness of giving and taking.

Apart from the above-mentioned recommendations, a couple also needs to practise some "basic skills", which include learning about well-meaning and effective ways of communication; trying various ways to express love and care; keeping time for a couple to "date" and chill out so as to balance a hectic life; and developing good hobbies and continuing to pursue personal growth. Last but not least, a couple should get rid of negative feelings about each other and work hard to protect their own world to avoid the intrusion of a third party.

Note: Bell, Linda G., Bell. David C. & Nakata, Yojiro. (2001). Triangulation and Adolescent Development in the US and Japan, Family Process Vol. 40: No. 2 173-186.

The Welfare Services Group