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Family Life Education Series |
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If you have followed our articles in OffBeat, you will have noticed how children have gone through childhood, adolescence and youth stages. Before our eyes, they have become another individual. How are they similar to or different from you and your spouse? What do you think and how do you feel when you hear friends making comparisons and comments about you and your children? Frankly speaking, do you know how to relate to your grown up children? Professor Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman, Positive Living United Services, has the following advice.
Love binds people, and the strongest among the bonds of love is that of between parents and their children. When we love somebody, it is only natural that we like that somebody to be close to us. I do not mean love that is possessive. I simply mean normal love. This is why we enjoy being together with dear family members and good friends. This is also why most, and probably all parents sooner or later will experience the ultimate "pain" of parenthood: setting their children free to allow them to pursue their own destiny.
Parents bring children to this world. We love them and do everything we can for them. We equip them such by giving them the best possible education. We work hard to give them the best possible opportunities in life. What do we do next? We bless them and let them fly high.
The final task of parenthood is emancipation, literally meaning parents setting their children free. We let our children decide what subjects they want to study (even during their senior secondary years), what careers they want to take up, where they want to live, and later on, whom they want to marry, etc. Emotionally we encourage them to live without us rather than foster dependence on us.
Parents who are not aware of this final task of parenthood often frustrate their own efforts and create tension with their children. For example, they may insist on how their children should live their lives such as by consulting them on career and marriage matters. They may also demand that their children live with them. To keep their children, these parents often indulge upon their children with love and concern that are not appropriate to their children's ages. These children often feel trapped, emotionally and even in reality. They often become bitter and defiant. Alternatively, they become submissive and over-dependent. More often than not, these children feel ambivalent or even openly angry with their parents.
Successful parents become internalised in their children. They no longer need to exert overt external control on their children. Rather they continue to influence their children from within. There are two key steps to internalisation. First, while our children are still young, seize every opportunity to love them and to be with them. Second, be a good example to them. Let them respect and love us not only because we are their parents but also because we are respectable and lovable.
We may ask: "By setting my children free to pursue their own destiny, have I lost them?" The insight and solution to emancipation is in the answer to this romantic question: "Parents and children, who belong to whom?" The seemingly logical answer is: "I gave birth to them, and so they belong to me!" This answer is "wrong"! The correct answer should be: "We belong to our children!" Long after we have gone, we continue to live in the hearts of our children. Our love for them, our influence, our blessing and even more simply, ourselves, will continue to live in them because we have successfully internalised ourselves in them.
I would like to share this personal experience. My late beloved father passed away a few years ago at the age of 86. Do I feel I have lost him? Not the least. Indeed he is physically no longer beside me, but I feel very strongly he continues to live inside me. I can feel his love, encouragement and compassion every moment of my life. He was a great and loving father to me and still is!
Any questions or comments, please feel free to call your respective regional welfare officer.
HKI : 2804-1570
(The full text will soon be uploaded onto the Healthy Lifestyle Website on POINT)
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