Family Life Education Series
The prerequisite for successful parenting

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This is the first in a new series of Family Life Education of monthly articles focussing on 'Successful Parenting'.

Professor Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman of Positive Living United Services, has kindly agreed to share with us his newly developed model "ICAN" to enrich our knowledge and understanding in this area.

Childhood is a continuous process of internalisation. Children are born with genetic features and potentials but the kind of adults they become depends heavily on what they experience in childhood. For example, diligence (or otherwise) is an acquired attitude. Junior primary pupils as a whole require regular reminding by parents regarding homework and studies. This is not because they are lazy or bad but because they have not yet acquired effective self-discipline.

Successful parents keep children company and remind them to do their homework.

Gradually, children acquire self-discipline and this is shown by the fact that they do their homework even when parents are not around. We say these children have effectively internalised parental influences - as if their parents were now guiding them from within themselves rather than sat beside them.

There are two key factors in the internalisation process and these are the process and the contents. The process refers to the effectiveness of parental influence and the contents refer to the role model of parents, and both are determined by what the parents are rather than who they are. That is why, to be successful parents, we must first be successful persons.

By successful I refer to the personality, strength and integrity of parents as individuals. Parents who successfully influence their children share common characteristics: they are respected and liked by their children and they have good emotional sensitivity and communication skills. Do you qualify? The answer is 'yes!' if your children obviously enjoy your company and are relaxed when you are around. The answer is 'no!' if they display apprehension and ambivalence when you are around.

Equally important is our role model: the kind of persons you are and your way of life. The saddest result of 'bad parenting' is when loving parents teach their children to emulate their own deviant and delinquent way of life.

We can organise the process and contents factors to form a matrix of four types of parents. The first type of parents are those who are effective in influencing their children and who are also good role models. The second type are those who are good role models but are ineffective in influencing their children (for example, parents are good people but they lack time and/or skills to influence their children). The third type are those who are effective in influencing but who are bad role models. The fourth type are those who fail in both aspects. Really successful parents belong to the first type. Of course, there is still hope for the second type if they can find the time and learn the skills necessary.

We need to be successful people before we can be successful parents. In this series, I will use the model of "ICAN" to show how parents can be good role models and effective in the parenting process.

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