Family Life Education Series
Fortify your children with constructive behaviour

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There are good and bad behaviours in children and some tend to behave better than others. As parents, we are sometimes puzzled as to why different children act and behave differently. In this article, Whole Person Development Institute Chairman Dr Wong Chung-kwong challenges readers to 'fortify your children with constructive behaviour'.

One of the most common and strongest wishes of parents is for their children to develop good behavioural habits. Against that wish is the fact that behavioural problems are common among children. We can classify behavioural problems according to the specific behaviour but we can also simply group them into two kinds: 'undesirable behaviour' and 'the lack of good behaviour'. The former type is usually clearly obvious, ranging from indulgence in TV or computer games, getting along with undesirable peers, disobedience and defiance, to much more serious problems such as the abuse of substance and other rule and law breaking behaviour. The latter type is 'subtle' as they are usually over-shadowed by the former type.

In dealing with behavioural problems in children, parents must keep one crucial point in mind, i.e. undesirable behaviour is only the 'shadow', and the real 'object' is the lack of desirable behaviour. That is not to say we do not need to handle undesirable behaviour. The successful strategy is to approach the 'shadow' and the real 'object' simultaneously. Let's take children who indulge in computer games as an example. Parents who only focus on the 'shadow' often adopt simple strategies such as enforcing a rigid timetable when their children are allowed to play with the computer. Other parents may use an even more straightforward approach such as removing the computer games or the computer itself. Such approaches may seem to contain or even solve the problem. However, the result is often only a 'shadow'! These children often turn to other undesirable habits! The true problem is the lack of good habits. Parents should help children develop good habits (such as sports, social and other healthy leisure activities), and in that process simultaneously help them give up or substitute for the undesirable habits.

Let's take a deeper look: children who are disobedient or even disrespectful of their parents. Such behaviour is again only the 'shadow'. The real problem is often because their parents have not given them sufficient love and attention or because parents themselves are not respectable. In other words, to help these children, parents must focus on both their children and also on themselves.

We must also keep in mind the three other 'forces' or 'powers' behind 'behaviour'. First, good 'self-value' is the 'guardian angel' of behaviour. Children with good self-esteem seldom indulge in bad habits because their self-esteem does not allow them to do so. It is as if there is an inner voice reminding them: 'I am a good child, and good children do not do such bad things.' Second, positive 'emotion' is the driving force of good behaviour. This is why happy children are also energetic and hardworking children. Third, children with a positive 'perception' to life, including their family, school and society, are also enthusiastic children. They enjoy friendship, extra-curricular activities, good hobbies, etc.

Readers may recall, 'self-value', 'perception' and 'emotion' together with 'behaviour' are the four 'forces' or 'powers' of life that interact continuously to form each individual's unique 'personality functioning'.