Family Life Education Series
Our teenage children in the 21st Century
Our children's friends

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We care about our children and are concerned about the friends they are associated with. Peer groups may have a great influence on our children's personality and future, but Dr Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman, Board of Advisers of Whole Person Development Institute, has advised that this should not be viewed as a tug-of-war with our children's friends.

For parents of teenage children, the friends of their children are often a headache, and usually there are good reasons for this. First, these friends may appear undesirable, in appearance and also in conduct. Second, their influence often completely overshadows that of parents. Third, parents seem to be powerless in their attempts to counter the influence.

Parents must first ask themselves two inter-related fundamental questions. First, "Has my child been normal in personality development?" A psychologically healthy teenager has good self-esteem, behaves properly, is a happy child, and has a positive attitude towards life. They have acquired good self-discipline. The second question is "Do I have a good relationship with my child?" Parents need to bear in mind that good relationship with their teenage children may not necessarily mean a great deal of contact time. It is the quality of relationship that matters more, i.e. harmony, trust and openness.

If parents' answers to these two questions are both positive, they usually need not worry about their children's friends. As teenagers grow up, they need more psychological space to develop and friendship is an important and normal developmental agenda. What parents have to do is to accept this simple and crucial fact. Their children will no longer go out with them every weekend as they did in primary years. They may now want to stay at home to do their "own things" or to go out with their "own friends" rather than being together with their parents. Parents have to resolve their "feelings of loss" and adjust their lifestyles accordingly (indeed many parents suffer from emotional turmoil in that they are not only worried, but are also sad, lonely, angry and even jealous). There is no need for a tug-of-war with their children's friends. Rather, parents should "bless" their children's friendship with friends by, for example, welcoming the friends home, dining with them, and having fun with them. This is the sort of love and concern teenagers need from their parents. My eldest son, a medical student, often invites his "gang" of fellow students home. They play, chat and order their food by phone. I chat with them, and share their food and enjoyment.

If parents' answers to one or both questions are negative, they must realise that their children's peer problems are the symptoms and consequences of a problematic parent-child relationship and also an unhealthy or even abnormal psychological development. What parents need to do is to correct the fundamental problems rather than just focusing on their children's peers. Parents rarely can win the tug-of-war with their children's friends. To do so will only push their children further away, hence paradoxically strengthening the friends' pull on their children. However, parents say: "I must do something to change or improve the problem!" Indeed they must do something and change something. They must also change themselves! They need to ask: "What have I done wrong (even though I truly and dearly love my children) over the past years in bringing them up?" We are back to one of the most fundamental truths of life: one can only change oneself, not others! This is how I counsel and help these parents. I help them understand and improve themselves, including their own psychological difficulties, their mistaken concepts, methods in their parental approach, and communication with their children.

It is usually advisable for parents to seek professional advice if they are worried about their teenage children's friends. Parents need to understand themselves and resolve their emotional turmoil so that they can understand their children. They must resist their "instinctual" reaction to engage in a tug-of-war with their children's friends.

(From PS & SR Branch Welfare Services Group)