Family Life Education Series
Family Harmony - "Are You Happily Married?"

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"Are you happily married?" - this is sometimes a difficult question for married couples. We believe there are "good" and "bad" times in a marriage, but how do we "keep the good" and "alter the bad"? Dr Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman of Board of Advisers of Whole Person Development Institute, is sharing with us his idea in the first article of our new series on family harmony.

There are more and more unhappy and broken marriages worldwide. "Married and happy" is becoming the exception. In the past, many reasons kept marriages from breaking up. But such reasons as law, religion, culture and finance have ceased to be the "protectors" of marriage. Marriage now has to stand on its own feet and survive on its own merits!

Why do people get married? The simple answer is love! Indeed without love there is no reason for marriage. However, love is not enough to maintain a marriage. Respect is much more important than love for two persons to share their lives in the intimacy of marriage. By respect I mean recognising one's spouse as an independent person. I also mean being respectable to one's spouse.

In a very unromantic way, the most important factor for a successful marriage is two "independent" persons having chosen to become "inter-dependent". By "independent" I mean two mature adults each capable of surviving on his or her self. Why then should they get married? The reason is because they choose to become inter-dependent. Readers may feel puzzled - if a person is independent (and mature), why should he or she choose to enter into an inter-dependent relationship with another person? The reason is very simple - people have emotional needs. It is very much like physical needs. Starvation will sooner or later kill, and even the strongest persons are not exempted. The most independent person still has emotional needs - the need to love and to be loved; the need to share; and the need to be understood and supported.

Some 20 years ago, while practicing in the UK, I counselled a couple that had decided to divorce. They asked for my help as a mediator regarding the future of their children. The husband was a geologist and the wife a professional of another trade. I asked why they were so determined to end their marriage. In a very plain voice, the husband said, "She said I collect rubbish (the husband, being a geologist, had the habit of collecting stones and mud)." The wife said in return, "I feel displaced by stones and mud!"

To be married and happy, it is so important that we become mature adults. We must exercise good emotional sensitivity. We must respect the space, emotional needs and wishes of our spouses. We must also be aware of our own emotional needs and be able to express them properly. We must also be capable of satisfying each other's emotional needs. Couples who know how to respect one another cherish love and happiness that grows deeper with every year of their marriage. Couples who don't will likely end their love and happiness. Where there is no more love and happiness in a marriage, the marriage is dead, and it does not really matter whether the marriage ends in divorce.

PS & RS Branch Welfare Services Group