Family Life Education Series
A happy life - Say 'No' when you've to

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The answer to the question "What is happiness?" takes a subjective view and varies from people to people. According to a worldwide survey, the happiest people are those living at Vanuatu, one of the Pacific islands located east of Australia. Vanuatu is actually a developing country with a population of only 250,000, reflecting that material comfort and happiness are not strictly correlated. In the modern society, the complexity of relationship and insatiable desires for achievement often lead to unhappiness when goals are not fulfilled.

According to a local survey on four aspects of life, namely, work, family life, living environment and foods, services and goods, the satisfaction index ranks family life first. The respondents regarded family life most important and a source of happiness.

Hence, a simple and healthy life, characterised by harmonious family relationship, mutual care and concern, is the foundation for a happy life. But how can we attain it without living in Vanuatu? We are glad to have Mr Wong Chung-kwong, Chairman of Board of Advisers of Whole Person Development Institute, writing a series of articles for us on the topic of 'A Happy Life'. The following is his first article - "Say 'No' when you've to".

What is the meaning of "No"? It is an absurd question because the meaning of "No" is so obvious, and "No" is probably one of the most commonly said words.

People say "No" to ideas they disagree with, to requests they disallow and to actions they disapprove. These "No's" serve "instrumental functions", i.e. they tell people our "intentions" such as disagreement and disapproval. These "No's" are often necessary. However, many people also often say "No" to show their feelings, and such "No's" serve "expressive functions", i.e. it conveys our mood, particularly displeasure and anger. These "No's" are quite often unjustified and may cause harm as their real meanings are often hidden. Quite often a person should have said "Yes" but because of anger "No" was said instead.

Some people find it difficult to say "No". Indeed it takes sufficient psychological power to say "No", including self-esteem, emotion management skills, cognitive abilities and social skills. A common consequence of saying "No" is drawing criticism from others. Without self-esteem, it is not easy to put up with the criticism or even rejection. Emotion management skills enable an individual to cope with the negative emotional repercussion. Cognitive abilities ensure we are able to comprehend the situations and consequences of "Yes" versus "No". Social skills are the ability of handling relationships properly.

There are several important skills of saying "No". Firstly, it is important not to mix up people with issues. Under most circumstances, we need only to say "No" to issues but not to people. Mixing up the two is one of the most important reasons for complicating matters. Secondly, as I pointed out earlier, it is also important not to mix up intentions with feelings. When these two factors are relevant, it is important to clearly define each one of them. For example: "I am upset by the way you talk to me. However, I would like you to know I disagree with your suggestions not because I am upset but because I cannot agree with the suggestions." Thirdly, it is important to say "No" without ambiguity but that doesn't mean we've to say so harshly. In fact, the most effective way is saying "No" with clarity and softness.

Not saying "No" when one should often gives rise to all kinds of regrets. It hurts one's self-esteem and feelings. It may result in unfair or even unbearable burdens for us. It often hurts relationship, particularly when one is forced to say "Yes" instead of "No". It is the worst case when there are legal implications, and that reminds me of a tragic criminal case referred to me many years ago. A young professional, in the course of his everyday work, discovered that he had been dealing daily with forged documents. He asked his senior, but was told bluntly to do what he had been instructed. He did not say "No" when he should have. He was later convicted in court, along with other people. The price for not saying "No!" was two years' imprisonment and a ruined life.

PS&SR Branch Welfare Services Group