For the Psychological Services Group (PSG) and Staff Relations Group (SRG), a police married couple, due to the nature of their jobs, may have more adjustments to make in life than an ordinary working married couple. The Groups want to know how a police couple sets their priorities, maintains a harmonious marital relationship, and raises their children. They also want to know how the couple works out decisions on having children, and how they view the spouse's job promotion.

To find out answers, the Groups have talked to Woman Senior Inspector Kitty Wong Sau-ling and her husband, Sergeant Raymond Fung Wai-man, in the hope that their views and observations could serve as an inspiration for other police married couples.

Kitty is working in a Divisional Investigation Team in Tin Shui Wai Division, while Raymond works in the Regional Missing Person Unit of New Territories South. Married for 15 years, they have a daughter and a son aged 13 and five respectively.

Good husband

A book on police psychology has observed that very good police officers usually do not make a "very good husband". For this observation, the couple does not see eye to eye.

Kitty sees some truth in the observation because a male officer, she says, is more susceptible to undesirable influences in his bachelor days. In her view, he must "settle down and make a total commitment to family" after marriage. "I've come across some examples!" said Kitty.

On the other hand, Raymond does not see a close correlation between "being a good husband" and a job or occupation. For him, what matters most is to know where one's responsibilities lie and makes appropriate adjustments after marriage.

Family planning and care

For many working married couples, good family planning is quite essential, and Raymond and Kitty are no exception. Kitty's original plan was to have children after obtaining a promotion, but an unscheduled pregnancy, though giving her a lot of joy, had upset her plan. She worried that having a child too early in her career might affect her promotion. She hid her worries from her husband until she could hardly control her emotions and confided everything to Raymond.

Raymond, on the other hand, was overjoyed at the prospect of having a new member in the family. After learning Kitty's worries, Raymond showed her more love and care with hugging and sweet talks. For Kitty, Raymond's attention, love and care had eased her worries to a great extent. And subsequent developments also proved that her worries were unfounded.

Job promotion

Like her pregnancy, promotion to the Inspectorate also brought Kitty a worrying time: wondering how Raymond would feel about her promotion as a husband. She, therefore, avoided talking about her job as a newly promoted inspector and tried to hide her joy over promotion from him.

At the same time, Kitty continued to do household chores after her promotion but later found it too exhausting after a day's work. To relieve her burden at home, Kitty suggested employing a domestic maid but met with objection from Raymond. The couple had heated arguments over the matter, and Kitty mistook Raymond's objection as his displeasure with her promotion.

"We kept on talking about the matter over and over again. Subsequently I found out that he just was not happy with the idea of having a stranger living with us, and his objection had nothing to do with my promotion. This situation could have been avoided had we had an open and frank discussion on my promotion at the outset," Kitty recalled.

All along, Raymond was as happy as Kitty with her promotion and treated it with an open mind, despite some worries over possible gossip among his colleagues at the outset. He soon forgot his worries because he realised that Kitty and he himself had different responsibilities to discharge.

"Promotion is something not entirely in one's control and there are various factors affecting the outcome," said Raymond. One year after Kitty's promotion, he was promoted to Sergeant.

"Despite my promotion, he is still the boss in the family, and makes all the big decisions," quipped Kitty.

Closer bond

The couple said that after Kitty's promotion and the birth of their first child, their bond and communication became closer. And they were more accommodating with each other and sensitive to each other's views and feelings. For instance, Raymond made adjustments and discussed family matters more often with Kitty.

"I'm now giving my views on more matters, even on trivialities like shopping in a supermarket or even buying soft drinks. Kitty welcomes my involvement in family matters," Raymond noted.

Time management

The couple conceded that, due to the nature of their jobs, they could hardly give as much attention to their children as they wished. By the same token, they could hardly see each other as often as an ordinary working couple. Their recipe for these problems was making the most of the time they spent with each other and with their children.

Kitty pointed out that for communication, quality, rather than frequency, counted. "Time management is very important for a police married couple. You've to make the most of the precious time you spend with your spouse or children," she noted.

Raymond now sees raising children as a joint effort with his wife. In this respect, he is applying the skills he picked up from a coaching course on empathic listening, offered by the former Training Wing a few years ago. "In the past, the first question I asked my son on returning home was whether he had done his homework. Now I deliberately avoid giving too much attention to his homework, but talk to him about other things of life. We're much closer than before," Raymond said. Commenting on Raymond's new approach, Kitty pointed out that their children were much happier than before.

Setting priority

As expected, the couple tops their list of priorities with family harmony, but emphasised that it is not at the expense of their careers with the Force. "To us, the job is very important. How can you get your job done without a happy family?" they asked.

Comments by PSG

Doing a good job and having a good family life simultaneously seems impossible for many police officers, but the experiences of Mr and Mrs Fung prove that this is not impossible, though it's difficult. In overcoming difficulties, the couple cemented their bond and relationship. The keys to their success were as follows:

(i) Both of them rate family as their first priority and set family harmony as a common goal. This commitment to family not only has not hindered their career developments, but also has built up a harmonious family, which serves as a motivation and buffer in getting their jobs done.

(ii) Many police officers, regardless of gender, cannot accept a female officer being of a higher rank than her husband. On this SGT Fung's attitude was very open-minded, reflecting that his healthy self-esteem was not just based on promotion and rank. His flexibility to adjust himself after disagreements with his wife was especially impressive. His idea of "care in action" (like sweet talks and hugging) was not subscribed to by many male officers, but showing care and affection was a great support for his wife during difficult times. Psychological research offered this advice: "Never assume your spouse knows your love and therefore you need not show your love. People are much more likely to feel closer to a family member who frequently shows affection than one who doesn't. Closer and intimate feelings are a core element for maintaining family harmony, particularly during serious conflicts."

(iii) Some experts see squabbles among couples as the key to a good marriage. Many people hide their dissatisfaction for fear of conflicts ruining a family and eroding their love and affection for each other. WSIP Wong learned this lesson in the early stage of her marriage. No matter how busy they were, she insisted on regular, honest communication with her husband, which made for deeper mutual understanding of each other's needs. Besides, her respect and appreciation for her husband was frequently expressed during the interview. Forgetting rank at home and willingness to appreciate each other also brought the couple closer.

The couple smile broadly as they recount how they maintain their harmonious relationship