A particular basic desire will drive a person of the associated personality type to develop particular behavioural characteristics. In this connection, how can parents understand and nurture their children with the help of Enneagram?

In the following article, Mr Hui Min-man, a social worker from the Hung Hom Integrated Family Services Centre of the Hong Kong Children and Youth Services, shares his personal insight.

Parents always think they share similar personality characteristics with their children. Some even presume they have the same personality. Enneagram enables parents to recognise their personality differences and similarities with their children. When a child behaves the other way round, the parents should realise the child is not acting against them and should not over react.

The Enneagram of Personality considers that no personality is benchmarked as the best or the most perfect. It perceives that every personality type has its strengths and weaknesses, and that personality may change towards a positive or negative direction. In this connection, parents should not force their children to twist their personalities to fit a perfect model they conceive. They should, according to the personalities of their children, help them bring potentials into full play and develop towards a healthy direction. For example, children with Type 5 personality are relatively quiet and unsociable. Their parents should respect their pursuit of privacy, allowing them to think independently and solve their problems on their own, rather than criticising their behaviours repeatedly or labelling them as "autistic".

Parents intending to apply the Enneagram to parenting should first find out their own personality types because their personalities have a critical impact on parenting. For example, Type 8 parents do not take offence at confrontation in their parenting, while Type 9 parents, being peacemakers, may tend to avoid giving advice to their children. If you belong to Type 2, you should note whether you are over-protecting your children. It is essential for parents to have a better understanding of their own personalities, including the blind spots in their personalities and the resultant self-restraints, before the enneagram theory can be effectively applied to improve their parenting.

While taking note of the blind spots in their own personalities, parents should respect and accept the characters of their children with a parenting approach that matches the characters of their children. For example, Type 3 parents tend to criticise their Type 9 children for being lacking in motivation and ambition. This not only fails to help their children improve, but also makes them become even more lacking in confidence and more withdrawn, damaging parent-child relationship. Type 3 parents, being success-oriented, should realise that their Type 9 children are not lazy but just self-effacing, easy-going and keeping themselves aloof of worldly success, which makes them appear sluggish. Type 9 children cherish relationships and fear confrontation. Therefore, their parents must not give them an impression of being a "tyrant". Instead of adopting a blaming attitude towards their children, parents should talk to them more often, give them guidance on setting targets and timetables while allowing them to learn from natural consequences. Parents should bear in mind that the timetable should not be heavily scheduled and the task should not be too difficult. It would be better to break down the task into segments so that children can accomplish it step by step. Besides, constant encouragement should be given to children so as to enhance their motivation to work harder.

As a matter of fact, as long as children feel confident and safe, and find themselves important and beloved, healthy characteristics will develop. This is an important key to helping children build a healthy personality. Although Type 1 children are demanding towards themselves and others, they, if growing up in a healthy and unrestrained environment, will develop progressively towards the personality of Type 7 and become optimistic, humorous and more forgiving. They will be able to accept their weaknesses, instead of overly critical of themselves. In view of the above, parents should provide their children with love and sufficient sense of security during their growth, so that they can perceive themselves as a beloved and useful person.

PS & SR Branch Welfare Service Group